I hear women still searching for Mr Right complaining all the time that guys only seem to be after one thing.
Is that true? Are men only after one thing?
While men think about sex a lot, it’s not the only thing they care about. It’s just a big thing!
Sex is important to men. It’s important to women too, but it doesn’t give them same sense of validation that a man gets when he has sex. You don’t find many women bragging about how many men they slept with in the past few weeks, whereas if a guy is successful at getting a lot of women into bed, his friends are going to see him as something of a hero.
Wanting sex does not differentiate the bad guys from the nice ones. They all want sex so don’t make any man out to be evil, if he tries to get you into bed. It’s how he acts when you say no, that shows the stuff he’s made of. A nice guy will accept your answer without batting an eyelid especially at the start of your relationship – a guy only after one thing will pile on the pressure, even from the first date.
If a nice guy is attracted to you and sees you as someone special, he’ll be just as receptive to a relationship as you are, and won’t expect sex right away. In a promising relationship, sex becomes not only a nice to have, but a way of deepening the connection for both of you. He’s hooked on you, for who you are, not just on the possibility of having sex with you.
Meanwhile any girl he dates he’ll be hoping to have sex with – it’s just the way he’s wired. He wants you to find him sexually desirable to validate his attractiveness as a man and the only way he’s sure of that is if you have sex with him.
On the other hand (and here’s the crucial difference) a guy gets the most validation if he believes that he was the one to succeed with you where other guys would have failed. If you were too easy and he believes anyone could have succeeded if they had been in the right place at the right time it’s not much of a validation for him.
So there’s the paradox – a nice guy wants you to have sex – but if he thinks you might be someone special, he’s slightly relieved if you don’t, at least not right away.
How soon is too soon? We’ll look at this in the next blog post. (Update: See How Soon Should You Sleep With Him?)