I listened to another interesting snippet today from the relationship conference I have been attending. This time the speaker was Reid Mihalko who calls himself a Sex Geek, but in this talk he had an interesting approach for daters.
He said that people who are dating are generally encouraged and given advice about how to be more attractive to others, but that this means people end up playing a game and not being true to themselves. They may attract a partner, but under false pretenses. They are not meeting as themselves.
If both of the pair are playing the “attraction game,” doing, saying and wearing what society considers to be “the right thing”, they may very well fall in love because they have been taught what makes a good partner.
This creates a very powerful “loved up” chemical in the brain that can keep two people together for a while. They get addicted to how it feels to be in love and don’t notice that they are not right for each other.
When the love drug dwindles, as always does after a few years, they may wonder what hit them and try to tough it out, even though they are fundamentally unsuitable for each other.
Instead of trying to be attractive, Reid reckons you should be “self-actualized” (in other words, the person who makes you happiest) with everyone you meet – with friends, with family, with dates, in public – as transparent about who you really are at heart as you possibly can be 24 X 7 at least as far as it will not get you into hot water in your career or with the law!
People who are not attracted to you will scurry away (as they should) but those who are right for you will gravitate towards you and like you for yourself. That’s the way to find the right person.
Everyone gets rejected a lot in dating (even when they are trying to play the attraction game) but you are better to be open and honest and rejected for yourself to achieve eventual success in relationships, even if making yourself vulnerable and putting the real you out there is more scary.
Note from Ana: This seemed to make a lot of sense to me, but I haven’t fallen out of love with a guy after being with him a few years so I haven’t really experienced this problem. Also, there’s being yourself at your best and being someone who doesn’t make any effort at all to look good or get on well with others. We all have to conform to a certain extent just to be civilized and fit for polite company. So I’d say there has to be some kind of balance here if you want to find a partner!
Over to you: Do you think Reid has a point? Have you been attracted to someone only to find that they turned out to be not right for you after a few years? Please share in the comments below.