I listened to another interesting snippet today from the relationship conference I have been attending. This time the speaker was Reid Mihalko who calls himself a Sex Geek, but in this talk he had an interesting approach for daters.
He said that people who are dating are generally encouraged and given advice about how to be more attractive to others, but that this means people end up playing a game and not being true to themselves. They may attract a partner, but under false pretenses. They are not meeting as themselves.
If both of the pair are playing the “attraction game,” doing, saying and wearing what society considers to be “the right thing”, they may very well fall in love because they have been taught what makes a good partner.
This creates a very powerful “loved up” chemical in the brain that can keep two people together for a while. They get addicted to how it feels to be in love and don’t notice that they are not right for each other.
When the love drug dwindles, as always does after a few years, they may wonder what hit them and try to tough it out, even though they are fundamentally unsuitable for each other.
Instead of trying to be attractive, Reid reckons you should be “self-actualized” (in other words, the person who makes you happiest) with everyone you meet – with friends, with family, with dates, in public – as transparent about who you really are at heart as you possibly can be 24 X 7 at least as far as it will not get you into hot water in your career or with the law!
People who are not attracted to you will scurry away (as they should) but those who are right for you will gravitate towards you and like you for yourself. That’s the way to find the right person.
Everyone gets rejected a lot in dating (even when they are trying to play the attraction game) but you are better to be open and honest and rejected for yourself to achieve eventual success in relationships, even if making yourself vulnerable and putting the real you out there is more scary.
Note from Ana: This seemed to make a lot of sense to me, but I haven’t fallen out of love with a guy after being with him a few years so I haven’t really experienced this problem. Also, there’s being yourself at your best and being someone who doesn’t make any effort at all to look good or get on well with others. We all have to conform to a certain extent just to be civilized and fit for polite company. So I’d say there has to be some kind of balance here if you want to find a partner!
Over to you: Do you think Reid has a point? Have you been attracted to someone only to find that they turned out to be not right for you after a few years? Please share in the comments below.
It makes sense that we should be ourselves instead of just trying to make a good impression, but I agree with you that some balance is called for. Interesting post – thanks for sharing!
Laurel Regan recently posted…100 Words: Summer Soon
Thanks for your comment Laurel
Ana recently posted…Fabulous And Seductive
That’s an interesting article Ana. I can see how the playing games and no being yourself can lead to problems down the road. But I do agree that there is definitely a balance in being the best you!
Salma recently posted…Finding My Self-Worth as a Stay-At-Home-Mom
Thanks for your comment Salma. There’s probably a fine line between being the best you and not being authentic but I’m not sure where that exactly is! I suppose it’s like putting on a dress to impress another person rather than wearing a dress you like yourself.
Ana recently posted…Two Minutes A Day Is Not Enough
I agree completely. Usually if you aren’t yourself, it will come out later and you never know if that version of you will be compatible with the person who your other you fell in love with.
Misty Spears recently posted…History of Hemp
Yes, it’s a big problem. If you’re not being you and/or he’s not being him it’s not going to end well. How big a problem depends on how different you are each being from your true selves. Thanks for your comment Misty.
Ana recently posted…Are You Giving Your Relationship Enough Time And Attention?