Sex is not always the easiest subject in the world to talk about. Often, the person you’re having sex with is the person that you feel like talking to the least. That’s because you know you are entering a minefield as soon as you open your mouth. Just look at What Not To Say In Bed for a whole lot of things that could have serious consequences for your love life!
The thing is we humans tend to be quite insecure when it comes to our sexual prowess – even more so for men than women.
A real man is supposed to know all about sex, keep his woman satisfied in bed and always be ready and able to perform.
Reality is not like that of course (unless he’s some kind of superstud robot) yet the myth prevails.
But if you don’t talk about sex, then your guy is left guessing about what you like or don’t like and chances are he will make some false assumptions that will do serious damage to your relationship over time.
For example, if you don’t like something he does and pull away, he may feel you’re rejecting him rather than just not being turned on by or disliking one technique, move or position. If you don’t feel able to easily discuss areas of your sexuality that you could explore together, he might feel that you would reject him simply for mentioning something he’d like to try, yet you’d be happy to have a go. As a result, your love life gets routine and dull because you’re sticking to the same old scenarios.
If you want to be better at communicating about sex, here are some tips to make things easier.
Don’t Talk About Sex In The Bedroom
If you talk after just having sex, anything you say might be misconstrued as a performance review and is likely to be taken to heart as criticism. If you are just about to turn in for the night, any kind of discussion about sex, could be seen as an invitation and you might not get time to get your point across before the moment gets lost. Try talking about sex on a long car journey or walk – it’s a good way to pass the time – or talk when you’re having a casual dinner without the kids – a glass of wine might help give you courage to start the discussion.
Praise Don’t Criticize
If you come at your discussion from a positive place it will help a million. Presumably there are things you like that you do together, so start with that “I love it when we…I’d like to do more of that” or “I like it when you…”. You can also pull up a memory from the past when you had a great time sexually “Do you remember when we…I’d like to try that again.”
If you find yourself about to use “Always” or “Never” in your communication, stop right there. You are about to criticize in a way that won’t be helpful or move things in a positive direction (for example, “You always leave me unsatisfied” or “You never think about me and how tired I am”.) What can you say instead? How about “I’d like to make our sex life the best. How about we try some new positions/toys/techniques I read about. What do you think?” or “I’d like to try making love a bit earlier because I get so tired later on in the day. How about we try an early night this week (or an early morning)?”
Anything said with a kiss and a playful twinkle in your eye is more likely to go down better than if you get all judgmental. You’re not rejecting him or his techniques, you simply want to enjoy him better!
Show Don’t Tell
Communication doesn’t have to be all about words. If he’s being too firm, lift his hand a little, too soft and press down gently on his hand. That kind of communication is fine in the bedroom.
Short Verbal Instructions
The other kind of communication that can work during sex is the kind of dirty talk that will make him excited as well as telling him exactly what you want. He’s unlikely to take “more” “harder” or “faster” and other such instructions as a criticism! If you’re not usually verbal during sex, start slowly and build up so you don’t give him a shock at the kind of words that come out of your mouth.
Don’t expect your guy to know what you want unless you tell him exactly what you want him to do differently. Of course, you need to know what you want yourself to be able to communicate it – and if you don’t know you can’t possibly expect him to guess. (This might take some solo exploration on your part to find out what satisfies you.)
If you vaguely say “I want you to be more loving” it’s unlikely to have the same effect as “I need to you to hold and kiss me for five minutes before we make love so I can relax and get in the mood” The first statement is only going to leave him puzzled – what do you mean. Of course he loves you. While the second one gives him something to go on. If you want him to try oral sex, then say so. If you want him to caress you all over your body, instead of focusing on your erogenous zones, tell him where you like to be touched and how.
Not Every Discussion Has To Be Serious
Try and find out his fantasies and what he’d love you to do, then you can have fun fulfilling them (at least the reasonable ones!) Get together a sexual bucket list and work your way through it, or raise the subject of introducing some games/role play into the bedroom. There are plenty of ideas for doing that in my book 77 Sexy Games For Two.
When Things Go Wrong
Even the best sex lives will have times when things don’t work out like you’d have wished. The new position you wanted to try leaves you cold, the phone rings and puts you off your stride, he has problems performing, or you are too dry – whatever. At times like that, have a cuddle, and don’t bother with trying to work out what went wrong. That way, a temporary blip is less likely to turn into a serious problem. Never ever turn your back, as if you’re rejecting him for not being good enough or not finding you attractive enough to behave like a stud. That’s unlikely to be the reason for any difficulty.
If there are serious problems in bed it’s generally one of two things – a physical problem or a deeper relationship issue. A physical problem can generally be solved with a trip to your physician. Ongoing problems in your relationship are trickier and can’t be resolved with a paragraph or two here.
But either way, ongoing difficulties in the bedroom warrant a serious discussion so that you can attempt to tackle any problems before things get worse. The less you try and blame your partner and work on the problems as something you can solve together, the faster you can turn things around.
Over to you: Where do you talk about sex? Do you find it difficult? I have to admit I’m guilty about talking about things in the bedroom – mainly because my grown-up kids are always around, but the discussions are generally playful rather than serious! Please share by leaving a comment below.