Being in love feels wonderful. We all want to feel that deep connection to another. For a time, he’s all you can think about. Perish the thought that it might not last.
Most women are willing to invest time and effort to keep that loving feeling, and that’s no bad thing.
But there’s an important distinction between creating a deep connection with someone, and being in so deep that you lose yourself.
The problem is that an over-eagerness to keep your guy happy, means that the relationship is in danger of failing.
No good guy wants a “Yes” woman – a mirror of himself. He wants a living, breathing human he can relate to.
Trying to please all the time does not make you loved – it just makes you seem insecure, needy and desperate. All qualities that are far from attractive. The more you throw yourself into being his ideal woman, the less interesting you become to him.
So yes, you can do things to please him. That’s a given in a loving relationship, but do things to please yourself too.
It’s a balance thing. Don’t worry about doing loving things for your guy unless you recognize a few of these symptoms. (If you recognize most of them then you need to take steps to remedy the situation right away!)
- you hardly have time for friends and family
- you hesitate to make other arrangements in case he calls
- when you do spend time away from him, you’re constantly thinking about him, talking about him or texting him
- you end up doing what he wants to do when you are together
- you change things about yourself you think he’d disapprove of
- you hide aspects of yourself you’re not sure he’d like
- you wear what you think he’d like you to wear – all the time – not just for special dates
- you start watching, reading and listening to the stuff he likes (but he doesn’t do this for you)
- you go out as a couple with his friends but not yours
- your own dreams, goals and ambitions take a backseat
- you keep up with his hobbies and interests even when they don’t interest you
This is all about developing and maintaining your sense of self, and who you are, what you like and dislike, and what you want. Be a person you love, first and foremost.
There’s a kind of myth that goes around in romantic fiction and movies that you need another person to complete you. You don’t! You are an individual, and a guy should be an add-on, a happy one, hopefully, but not a part of you that you have to find, to be able to function as a whole human being.
- It’s natural that you will have less time to spend with others when you are deep into a new relationship, but make sure that you do set aside some time to see friends and family, and have fun with them without your guy
- keep up the hobbies and interests that you don’t share with your guy
- never be afraid to speak up about your likes and dislikes
- put forward opinions about what you’d like to do on dates
- avoid using we when talking about opinions – as in phrases like “we like to do this” – you have your own mind and he has his
- be aware of those things that are important to you personally (your values, your goals, your career). Continue to plan for your future to include these things, and be proud of what you achieve on your own
- try the things that he is into – you might find something new that you like – but don’t continue to tag along if it’s not for you
If you’re a good match for him, he’ll love you – the real you – just as you are. You don’t need to change yourself to become the person he needs you to be. It’s important to be Close But Not Too Close
Over to you: Have you ever “lost yourself” in love? Or found yourself in danger of being in an all consuming relationship? Please share in the comments below.