Should You Sleep With Him On The First Date?

There’s no absolute right or wrong answer to that question, but it’s worth thinking about so you can get your head straight before your date.

should you sleep with him on the first dateAlthough you might think in these days of equality, it’s a matter of personal choice whether you sleep with him on the first date, there are some religions and communities that dictate you should not do this, and you may choose to adhere to those principles. That’s fine and it makes your decision easy.

Other than that, it depends mostly on what you’re trying to achieve from the date.

Just Sex?

If you only want sex and nothing longer term, and you’re sure you would not be upset if sex on the first night is the last you see of the guy, you could go ahead and sleep with him at the end of the date. Just be clear that this relationship is highly unlikely to go beyond sex, and make sure you stay safe, and use protection.

Before you go ahead, you should also think about whether you really know and trust the guy enough to go home with him or to have him come home with you. How safe are you going home with a relative stranger? If you’re in any doubt, don’t risk your safety for one night in bed with a guy.

If you’re having a lot of these first dates ending in sex or one night stands, take a moment now and again to make sure that you are happy with the arrangement and getting what you want out of it – and that means being happy inside yourself and not just putting on a happy front with your friends. If you’re going to bed with guys because you’re lonely or feeling unloved then lots of one night sex sessions are not going to make you feel better.

A Relationship?

If you’re looking for a boyfriend and not just sex, you need to be aware of a kind of double standard operating around the issue. Guys are mostly hoping you will sleep with them, but many will value you less if you do, and be more likely to see you as an easy lay than girlfriend material.

There are always exceptions that prove the rule, of course, but in most cases, it’s pure male psychology around the thrill of the chase. No matter how equal we are supposed to be, we never quite get there.

Humfrey Hunter in “Finding Mr Right” likens this whole thing to a guy going moose hunting. If our intrepid hero tracks down and kills a moose that he has worked hard all day to hunt down, he will be very proud of himself and might display the moose’s head as a trophy on his wall. If the same guy knocks over and kills a moose in the road, he has reached the same outcome – a dead moose – but he is not going to feel proud of the experience. Guys value you much more when they have to work a bit to get you into bed.

And to make things even more complicated, he might not be looking for a girlfriend at all. He may be just looking for sex, because, with guys, sex is a physical need, and a lack of sex, simply makes them feel lonely and unhappy. He only has to vaguely like you to have sex with you (besides, what’s not to like about a person who makes him feel good and bolsters his ego) but you will be pretty meaningless to him and could be any one of a number of willing partners. Humfrey says:

“Sex itself is never meaningless…sex means something to him because it makes him feel good and thus is beneficial for his general state of mind. The word “meaningless” can only be applied to the person he’s having it with. She is just a warm, willing body, a blow-up doll with a voice. She might as well not have a name.”

Will He Be Annoyed?

Won’t he be hacked off, if you don’t sleep with him, and not want to see you again anyway?

Sure, some guys, the “players/pick up artists” will expect you to sleep with them. They have a whole smooth routine worked out for where to take you, what to say to you, how to kiss you, all designed to get you to go to bed with them.

The trouble is these guys are confident and charming because they are well practiced. They go through girls like a hot knife through butter and you would be one of many girls falling for his charms. So, no, you probably won’t see him again if you don’t sleep with him because he will go after easier prey. But the thing to remember is that you won’t see him again, if he does get you into bed either. Whatever you do, he will be going after his next easy willing partner tomorrow, so you have lost nothing there.

If he’s just a nice normal, guy looking for a girlfriend, he’s not going to mind too much if you don’t sleep with him on day one and if you don’t, he’s just going to think more of you, because of those double standards operating in his head.

So in either instance, where you’re looking for a longer term relationship, it would be better not to go to bed on the first date (or the second for that matter – in fact, not until you’re almost sure he’s looking at you as a girlfriend not someone just to have sex with).

Don’t Let Your Guard Down

Have a good time on your date, but don’t let your guard down too much. A little alcohol is fine but if you drink too much, any decision you have made not to sleep with him might evaporate into thin air, especially if you really like him on the date.

Remember if you’re having such a great time that you’re tempted to change your mind and go to bed with him, chances are you have a “player/pick up artist” at work. He’s very successful at breaking through any barriers you erect with fine dining and sweet talk. Keep reminding yourself not to fall for it but if you do, don’t feel too badly – these guys know all the tricks to get you into bed on the first date. Read a book of male seduction techniques like “The Game” if you want to get yourself acquainted with the sort of psychological tricks these guys use, especially if you think you won’t be able to recognize the sweet talk and want to stop yourself getting hurt.

4 Responses to “Should You Sleep With Him On The First Date?”

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  1. Pete Sapper says:

    To offer an objective viewpoint from the male perspective, while most men certainly delight in fast, easy sex – they will almost certainly be plagued by thoughts like “I wonder how many other guys she’s done that with?”.

    The comedic, conflicted mess of the modern men. Have mercy, ladies.
    Pete Sapper recently posted…Should I Tell People About My ADHD?

    • Ana says:

      Thanks for that insight Pete. Relationships would be so much easier if we could discover all those conflicted thoughts 🙂

  2. Random says:

    you fail to outline the emotional bond that’s created by having sex.
    you assume that: every man is the same
    every man is focused on sex.. nothing more.
    every girl is too naive.
    every form of interaction should be nice and slow.
    the chivalry/gentleman way of doing things usually end up bad, the man will be dropped in the dreaded “friends” zone.
    or even worse, the “friend with benefits”
    if a man really thinks you’re low value after first date sex, he was probably no good for her anyway.
    relationships are based upon two things: emotional satisfaction, sexual satisfaction.
    if you date a girl and she sees a man as potential boyfriend, she’ll deny sex because she wants to raise her value.
    the problem with the whole “raising value” thing is that she WILL fuck other guys in the meantime, creating a greater bond with her sexual lover.
    her sex lover usually ends up as her boyfriend instead of the guy she viewed as “boyfriend” material (NEED TO RAISE VALUE SO NO SEX)
    mr potential “boyfriend” invested his time/effort/money in to her and ends up empty handed, his hart filled with sorrow/misunderstanding/envy.
    great job with your hollywood style mainstream dating nonsense, the intentions are good but reality doesn’t work like you see on the white screen LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
    stick to your feelings and do the things you want to do if it feels right to do so.
    instead of guessing about his/her intentions YOU SHOULD ASK (INDIRECTLY OR BY SUGGESTIVE MEANS)
    a relationship STANDS FIRM THANKS TO “COMMUNICATION” not because of social policy nonsense or mainstream “this is how you MUST act” etiquette.
    a baseball cap comes in the form of “ONE SIZE FITS ALL”

    • Ana says:

      Hi Random I approved your comment (even though it comes across as very aggressive with all the shouty capitals) because I wanted readers to see another point of view. I never said that women or men are all the same or that men are focused solely on sex or that women are too naive. They are not, but there are certainly patterns that have been shown over and over again in research by cleverer people than me that do show differences between the sexes. In my view an emotional bond is not created by having sex, good sex comes from having an emotional bond – but that’s just one way we differ. Still, you are welcome to share your opinions here.
      Ana recently posted…Will You Be Disappointed By Your Online Date?

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