Ever since man and woman got it together, women (kind souls that we think we are) have been sparing our lovers feelings by pretending satisfaction in bed, when actually we have been left pretty much high and dry.
But is it really a kindness to fake orgasm?
No, of course, it isn’t. It may seem like the easy way out at the time, but it’s not the answer. The problem is that true intimacy depends on trust, openness and honesty and faking is the complete opposite. It can do untold damage to your relationship.
If you fake orgasm with a man, unless he is very discerning, or you are a very bad actress, he probably won’t be able to tell – or at least he won’t be certain if you were faking or not, and he’ll prefer to think you weren’t! That means your secret is safe. No worries there.
But what is a real bummer, is that you have just given him a practical lesson in exactly how not to give you an orgasm, while he is left thinking he knows exactly how to bring you off.
Now, if that was a one night stand, it doesn’t matter so much – you are left a little frustrated. He leaves with his head held high. You probably did a disservice to womankind, but maybe the next non-faking woman can set him straight and show him the way for her – after all, we are all a little different in what takes us over the edge. So he may still think he “scored a hit” with you, while she has to work a bit harder.
But what if, that one night of unsatisfactory passion is the start of a something bigger – a longer-term relationship or even a marriage, where your whole love life starts out based on a lie like that, even one meant as a kindness?
Then you are in a bit more trouble.
In that case, you have a choice of putting up with a poor sex life leaving yourself more and more frustrated over time with the situation, or alternatively, re-educating your man in what does work for you. The more times you faked, the more problems you are going to have coming clean (excuse the expression!)
Now the easiest thing is never to get into that situation in the first place. You can always spare his feelings by saying how much you enjoyed yourself with him even if you didn’t quite make it – and he can see it as a challenge to make you come next time!
If you are already in a situation where you have been faking, the solution lies in how readily you are able to reach orgasm normally.
If you generally don’t have any problems with that, you should be able to subtly guide your man towards those things that work for you and make sure he knows how much you enjoyed the “new” moves. He may have an awful lot more “work” to do than you originally led him to believe, but hey-ho, he’ll live (and probably enjoy it).
If you normally have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner or even alone, then you have more of a job on your hands. Work on becoming orgasmic alone first of all so that you know exactly what works for you, before taking things further with your partner. Then try the subtle approach of guiding him into what works for you, showing him the way by the noises you make when he hits on something that feels good, using words to encourage what will help (“I’d love it if you would…”) and by gently moving his hand to the right place.
If trying that doesn’t get you there, you have to decide if you want to spill the beans about having faked in the past. This depends on how long you have been faking, how upset you think he will be at the thought you faked all those times, and whether you think he already suspects all is not right in bed.
Faking is essentially lying to your partner, so it IS damaging, there’s no two ways about it and your man is bound to be upset. But an unsatisfactory love life is damaging too. In an otherwise loving relationship it may be as well to admit you have been less than honest, so that you can work on the issue together and hopefully you will both enjoy a more fulfilling sex life from that point on. Only you can decide if it is worth the upset.
The point is, if you are not in that situation, it is far, far better never to start faking orgasm in the first place.