Most men give pretty clear signals if they want to be with you. They phone you up and ask you out. They send and answer text messages. They find time to see you.
But what does it mean when that doesn’t happen? Usually it’s for one of three reasons
- he’s taking it for granted that you’ll do all the running and doesn’t care one way or the other
- he’s keeping you dangling until something better comes along, on the basis that any girlfriend is better than none, but he’s not going to go out of his way to see you unless he wants something
- he’s a bit of a coward about letting you know he’s no longer interested and has moved on. He’s hoping to avoid you until you finally get the message.
It’s quite rare that a lack of contact is unintentional. It’s true he might actually be very busy. His phone may be out of battery or having technical issues. He may not even be aware that he’s making you feel like he’s avoiding you.
But it’s unlikely.
Most guys (especially busy ones) are welded to their phones and charge them up religiously. And how long does it really take to send a text? If he doesn’t have ten seconds to spare for you, there’s not much hope he’s falling in love anytime soon.
But then perhaps he does contact you sometimes and answer some of your texts. Maybe you’re still dating now and again, just not as often as you’d like it to be. What then?
You can always ask him to clarify, especially if it hasn’t been happening for long and you’ve noticed a change. If the following symptoms persist though, for more than a week or two, you should probably take the hint and let him be. If he does want you back, he’ll be clear about it.
You Initiate All The Contact
Sure, there will be times when he’s busy and you tend to contact him first. But it should balance out. Leaving it to you to always take the first step signals that you’re not really on his list of priorities.
He Ignores Your Texts And Messages
Don’t overreact if it happens once or twice. But if you keep leaving messages and you never get a response, he’s obviously ignoring you. If you finally get through to him, and he tells you he hasn’t had time to go through his messages yet, or some other lame excuse, he’s definitely avoiding you.
Questions Are Answered With Questions
If he can’t give you a straight answer about where he’s been hiding and his response to your question is to ask another question, he’s giving you the brush off. He’s turning the conversation back to you to give himself time to think of an excuse. Focus on getting him to answer clearly, even if it means getting him to admit that it’s over. At least then you know for sure.
Excuses
If his reasons for not being in touch start to sound more like excuses than plausible reasons, you can assume he’s trying to back away from you. His excuses might include “white” lies or distortions of the truth. But if he has time to update his Facebook status, he can message you. He may be out of phone range for some time, but it will show that he has missed calls and he can call back as soon as he’s back in range. If his excuses don’t carry any weight, he’s clearly avoiding you.
Not Acknowledging Your Presence
If you come across him at a party or bar or other social gathering, does he come right over an speak to you rather than waiting for you to come up to him? A guy who was keen would wave as soon as he notices you even if he’s deep in conversation, be happy to see you, get you a drink and introduce you to his friends. He won’t act like you’re not even there until you make yourself heard.
Booty Calls
If he only calls you late at night and is suddenly keen to see you despite avoiding you at other times, it’s not that he’s suddenly remembered how much he likes you, it’s because he’s looking for a bed partner for the night and you’ll do. Only agree to see him in those circumstances, if you want to feel used. Booty calls might be fine if neither of you are emotional about them, but if you’re at the stage of wondering if he’s avoiding you, your emotions are already involved. Don’t make yourself feel worse.
Over to you: Have you had the experience of wondering if someone would ever call/return your message? Have you ever moved on by avoiding someone rather than have THAT conversation? Please share in the comments below.
A male’s point of view:
Don’t be aggressive or appear desperate. All you’re doing is catering to his ego. If he’s interested, he’ll show you – don’t try to read between the lines.
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Always great to have a man’s point of view. Thanks Scott 🙂
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Great advice! I had a boyfriend that did this to me for months, and I refused to take a step back and look at all the signs. Thanks for posting!
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Thanks Hillary! It’s much more difficult to see this when you’re wrapped up in the situation and hoping for the best.
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In my point of view,if your lover avoids you,you simply forget him.Otherwise ,you may get so many problems that hurts your feelings and emotions.But,it is very great advice to all…Thanks for sharing!!!
Thanks for your comment Saranya. If we only loved those who loved us back, it would save a lot of heartbreak but it’s easier said than done sometimes. I wish I’d had that ability when I was younger 🙂
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Each and every person is different. You only know this. Take it slow and do not rush to do anything at all
I don’t know I did the right thing, but I felt way better after I told him I did’t see any reasons for me to continue to see him. I know he’s very busy and tried to be patient with him. I kept myself busy as well, but I thought about him sometimes and wondered why it would take him almost a week to answer my texts or make phone call. For more than a month like that I didn’t happy, but I didn’t want to complain about it because I wanted to have a good time when we are together, plus it seemed not the right time to talk also. Then when I an emergency situation. It was too much to handle it myself, so I texted and called him in tears. it took about an hour later for him to text and 9 hours to make a phone call. I didn’t pick up his phone which I always wanted to, but I decided not to. The next day, I texted him that I don’t see any reasons to be with him when he couldn’t see me when the moment I needed him the most. I can find way to heal and take care myself and I did. I feel very good about myselt to get out if this unbalanced relationship.
Sounds to me like you made a sensible decision Wendy. He doesn’t deserve you if he isn’t there when you need him.
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I am too facing the same situation for me. Busy for studies and for exams are always suuportive & acceptable but ignoring and getting the feelings of avoidance for longer & more than bearable period of more than 9-10 months is not being bearable and whenever I ask reasons always ends up of exams and studies but has always time for other social formalitives and statuses but never for my calls never for my texts never for my any replies, never for my unbearable pains , suffocations or for my pains and tears. Don’t know the right decisions what to take and what not to take. Already tried many a times to clear it up but never gets the exact answers. Going through very rough and unbearable moment. Don’t know how to settle down with ownself (Myself).
Hi Piyanka, I’m sorry but it does sound as if this relationship is over. It always hurts when you realize something like this is over, but the sooner you move on, the sooner you can get back to being yourself. It’s only then that you’ll find someone who truly loves you. At that point you’ll be so glad you ended this one-sided relationship. Hugs Ana x
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I was texting and seeing this guy, we use to text a bit and seemed interested and said he did like me but think recent since got a new job he\’s gone really distant, he just reads my messages and doesn\’t reply and once I pulled him up on it and he just said I need stop mitheting he will reply when he can which is like never! I feel like I have done something wrong! Why so confusing?!
It sounds like he’s no longer interested to me and he’s not the one for you. You want a guy who is delighted to receive your texts. There’s no point chasing him when there are a million more fish in the sea. Chasing just makes you seem desperate in his eyes. If he is interested he’ll come running probably just when you are madly in love with another guy 🙂
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Thanks! Yeah true can see that happening haha! His loss I suppose!!
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We used to text like on a daily base, he even asked me out to hang with him. However he would change his mind saying he had work. But all of a sudden for some reasons which I dont no, he began avoiding me whenever he sees me. I asked him if I was just assuming that his avoiding me all he said was no. But it made me feel better after asking him cause I really love the guy.
Perhaps he realizes that you want more from him than he wants (at least at the moment) and that has made it awkward for him to be your friend as he used to be. I would say let things cool. Because chasing a guy never made him love you. It just makes him run away faster.
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This is a good one. I do experienced all of the above except the booty calls. He wont even call me at night time. I’m going through the pain of getting ignored right now but i could not stop myself from calling and messaging him. I still begging for his attentions although it does not happening. If i explain my situation to him, the most probable answer from him is “you are too emotional and please control your feeling”. This answer will hurts me even more. I’m helpless. :'(
It’s the worst feeling when you love someone and they don’t love you back, so big virtual hugs to you, Hansika. You know the sensible thing is to move on and that it’s the best option for you but it hurts. Until you decide to stop pursuing this guy, you won’t stop hurting though. You think you’ll never get over him (or the idea you have of how good it could be with him) but you will and the sooner you get that the less pain you will suffer. There are 3 billion other guys in the world or thereabouts. I lost count last time I checked. Tens of thousands of them could make you happy. But you’ll never see them until you stop looking at this one. Start looking elsewhere. Really do. The sooner the better.
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Thank you so much for your advise Ana… i appreciate it… 🙂
This is happening now to me. He went to a funeral for the weekend for someone he doesn’t even know and be didn’t show interest in and it’s been three days since then. Each day I send him one message when I get home and one when I go to bed. He hasn’t been answering either and put his availability on ‘Do not disturb’. He has been active on other social medias and I checked today because I got really worried. Please help me figure out what to do.
Ugh! This hurts so sending you a hug over the Interwebs but I think you know what you have to do, don’t you, even if it’s hard to accept? Yes, you have to move on and find someone who deserves your affection. Because this one is not for you even if you would like him to be. You can’t make anyone else love you by changing. They have to love you for who you already are, and someone will, just not this one.
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I’ll try to catch him online on the other social media sites and get his side of the story before making any rash decisions
I wouldn’t chase any more. He knows where you are. If he wants to find you, he will be in touch. But it’s up to you and fingers crossed it works out for you that he has just been busy. It’s just that chasing never made anyone keener to be caught in my experience.
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Well I found out by chasing him. He broke up with me over text this morning. At least I know..if you want I can show you what he said.
Oh I’m sorry. Good that you know for sure. Bad that you fell for the kind of guy who would break up with someone via text. If you think about it, you are better off without that kind of guy even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. Better to find out sooner rather than later. There s someone better out there for you. Hugs Ana x
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ii has been dating a guy twice my age a month now,he is ambitious,hard working ,rich and married.our relationship has been going fairly well until his wife left for another country a few days ago.and he now rarely calls me,our phone confos are short,and he most time not answer my calls on time as before.please tell me what wrong.
Hi Marie. I’m afraid it sounds as if he is less captivated with you than he was. Perhaps he has someone else. Perhaps he is just pre-occupied with work and increasing his wealth. I don’t know. But in any case, don’t waste your life and love on married guys. They are not yours to worry about. Move on before he does and find someone who is available to love you back.
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I recently met a guy a few months ago and we hit it off. I felt comfortable with him (which is hard for me to) and we had a lot of things in common. He told me he liked me and we kissed a few times and he took me on a few dates. He told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and I told him that’s fine, but I’m always the one to text or call first and I’m always the one to make plans. For the last week he hasn’t responded to my texts and we live next door to each other and I’ve seen him at least half a dozen times in the last week and he sees me but he doesn’t go out of his way to say hi. Am I just over analyzing everything? Am I expecting too much or is he avoiding me? Should I move on?
This guy has been honest with you about not wanting a relationship. If he was keen he would not avoid saying hi to you. He would be looking to see you more often. Sorry to say it if you like him but it seems to me that it makes sense to move on. Hugs Ana x
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So i’ve been dating a guy for a few months, and we’d talk every day. But this week he messaged Tuesday and asked how was work, I said ehh it’s work. And I asked him he said mehh he\’s been having the big bosses in his office and I didn’t hear from him after that. So I messaged hi Wednesday and see if he still wants to talk to me, he said yeah he’s been getting off later and has been falling asleep and been busy this whole week because of the big bosses there. Is he really that busy or not interested?
Unless you’re getting other vibes about him not being interested it might just be that he IS busy. If he is still “busy” after a few more days, ask him if he’s just saying he’s busy because he doesn’t want to date anymore. Then you’ll know for sure and can stop wondering. I hope you get the respose you want. love Ana X
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I am trying to seek advice online but it seems like my situation is not very common to be written about. I have been engaged to my fiance for 7 months now, and I have dated him 7 months before he proposed. We both come from a conservative community and so we never publicly dated, also, we live in two different cities. We used to chat on a daily basis before the engagement and sometimes talk on the phone. After the engagement, we started talking on the phone every single day, and sometimes vid chat.For the past 2 months, I’ve been feeling that he is avoiding me. We talk once or twice a week, and we chat very rarely.I sometimes text him but he doesn’t reply, I assume he’s busy, but then I notice he posted something on social media. Whenever he comes to my city for business, he makes plans with friends in the evening but says he is too busy to meet me.Now, he says it’s too expensive to come visit me, but he still travels with friends and spends way more than he would have here.We still talk, he still shares everything with me. When I tried telling him how I feel, he said: “We’re both just too busy”.How do I know if he is avoiding me or is it just in my head?
I’m not sure about the meaning of engagement and marriage in your country/culture, but, in my experience a person who is ready for marriage wants to see the person they are marrying and will find the time to be with them no matter what they have to sacrifice. So I’m as puzzled as you why your fiance is avoiding you. It’s as if he has no courage to make his feelings plain, but something is not right. Can you visit him and find out what is going on? Or insist he sees you? I think a face to face heart to heart is essential here and if he refuses to meet you then that tells its own story.
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So, there’s this guy that messaged me on instagram. We started talking a bit. Though, he had to leave out of the country. Since then we texted less. However, I wasn’t really interested in him. Though, he was. So, 2-3 weeks later he started msging me again and we started talking agin. Then, finally he arrived back home and we started talking ever more. Since, I was out of school and I wasn’t working at the time and he wasn’t either. So, we both had bare time to talk over the phone. Then, we decided for him to come over to my house. I never tried alcohol and I wanted to with him. He brought the bottle to my house and I almost finished the whole bottle and got drunk. He didn’t drink because he had to drive back home. I was so drunk that we basically had it. Then we continued talking on the phone and stuff. And then second time he came to my place, we couldn’t control ourselves that we did it again. Then, third time he came, I told him to bring KFC for my sister which he did and I found that sweet about him. And he dropped her off to work which was also nice of him to do. Then, we came over to my place and did it again. Now, this week we’ve been texting/ calling but barley. Apparently he has a lot of cousins that he usually drops to work and stuff. And he has a lot of friends he hangs out with. And he always says he’s busy. But, he usually calls me at night. Like he did call during the day today too but only for a bit. He’s always online but not msging me. Sometimes I call him but he’s on another call.. see the thing is we’re not dating but he had sex with me and I can not see him with another girl or talking to another girl at night if he’s using my body. Do you think he’s just playing around with me? Or is he actually busy? Is he avoiding me cause he’s done playing with me? I hate this. Because whenever I date or see a guy all they want is my body. No one has ever cared about how I feel. He’s calling me right now and it’s 12:15am… I just get so lonely and sad and when I talk to him I feel better but when we don’t talk I feel horrible.
Hi Sneha, I’m sorry but it does sound like this one is using you for sex, which is okay if that is also what you want. If it’s not, don’t make yourself available for booty calls. If you don’t respect yourself, then others don’t respect you. Work on your confidence to feel better about yourself and then find a guy who treats you right. You’ll be much happier and not feel horrible. Ana x
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Thanks but how should I work on avoiding him? I already caught feelings after having sex with him. I felt a bond. But maybe the right thing to do is let go. But how can I do that?
It’s like getting over any break up. Lots of tips here http://lovefromana.com/how-to-get-over-a-break-up/ and a few here too http://lovefromana.com/breaking-up-feels-bad/ Good luck! You’re not feeling great with him so remind yourself of that when you’re not feeling great without him, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of being the one to say “Enough. I don’t want to be treated this way.” Ana x
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Thank you so much Ana! The link you sent motivated me a bit. I’ll definitely start avoiding him. If anything, I’ll definitely ask for your advice again. Thank you so much.
Hi Ana,
So I met this guy in a college class back in June. We interacted every day, so we knew each other for about 5 months. He’s been wanting to ask me out since then but I was already still with someone so he had to wait. Now that October came and I am single, he finally asked me out on 4 dates and confessed his feelings he had for me since those 5 months. Then all of a sudden, he got a new job on top of his other job that he works, so he hardly ever messages me, so I would have to start. The first couple times, he would respond. But then, he leaves me on read, and he has done that about 3 times now. One of my messages said that if I bother him to please let me know, but he just left me on read. All our dates went really well, so I’m not sure why he would leave me in the dark. Should I attempt to text him again? Or just not contact him for about a month or so and see what happens?
Sorry to say this but if this man is not even reading your messages, then it’s time to move on and find another boyfriend. This one is just a coward and not someone you want to be with the rest of your life. You deserve much better. Love Ana x
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Hello
I have been talking to this guy on social media now fo 7 months…
He requested friendship from me and I did like what I see. My first question is to always ask if they are single because I’m not going there. He said yes single but twice our date was cancelled because of work plus this coronavirus has taken over the last 2 months, so we have not been able to meet up. But what I do notice is that he never texts me late at night… I text him once at around 1am and didn’t get a reply…. to be told that he was sleeping as he starts work at 4am … I am ready to block him and I don’t want to wait anymore on his texts and songs … the reason I say this is I can’t speak to anyone else if I am talking to one person and I believe he is hindering me…
Thank you Tia
Hi Tia, it’s not easy to meet anyone in person at the moment depending where you live, but your instincts are probably right. Tell him you are moving on, and then get on with your future. I hope you meet the partner of your dreams soon. Love from Ana.
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