Why Does Breaking Up Feel So Bad When You Are The One To End It?

Whatever the reasons for breaking up with your guy, you probably spent a fair amount of time thinking about it, considering your options, and deciding it was the right thing to do. So, if you’re the one breaking up your relationship, why does it still hurt so much?

I broke it off with him. Why do I feel so bad?If you haven’t been through this experience, you would think it would be easier if you were the one ending things. And it’s true, you probably won’t be as heartbroken as you are when the love of your life does the deed. But there are still a lot of emotions that could hit you out of the blue.


You Still Care

If you still care even a little for the man you’re breaking up with, you’re likely to feel awful for a while.

You may even still be in love with the guy if you broke up with him because you it wasn’t in your own best interests to continue the relationship long term. Maybe the guy didn’t treat you right or ever show signs of wanting to commit to anything other than casual dates.

Even though the relationship wasn’t good for you and you know that it’s the best course of action, you might find yourself focusing on the positives and the happy times together after the break up. This can lead to questioning if you even made the right decision or if all this hurt is a sign that maybe you shouldn’t have broken it off.


You Miss Being In A Relationship

If you were not in love with the guy you were with, you’ll need to get used to being single again. You might feel relieved to have your freedom, but at the same time feel the loss of always having someone to spend time with.


You Feel Guilty

If you know the guy you just broke up with was in love with you, and is upset that you have parted, you may feel guilty that you hurt him.


Your Hopes Have Been Dashed

Whatever the reason for the break up, you may have had high hopes for the relationship at some point in the past. It’s disappointing to see a relationship bite the dust especially if you once thought you had a future together.

  • Bad feelings will get better with time. So, to a certain extent, you just have to hang in there and wait it out.
  • Don’t blame yourself or question your decision. If it was the best course of action, no amount of self-blame will help you to feel better about the breakup. Instead, focus on the reasons why you called it quits, even write it down if you need to, and keep reminding yourself that you did the right thing.
  • Don’t spend a lot of time listening to his excuses and get pulled back into a discussion about your relationship unless you seriously think it can be saved. Perhaps you’ve had those conversations before and rehashing it all won’t bring a different result.
  • Resist the temptation to call him, talk to him, or try to meet up again. Make a clean break and do everything you can so that he is no longer part of your life, at least at the beginning. Not all breakups need to be ugly, it is possible to still be friends with a man that you can’t be in a relationship with, but while feelings are still raw on either side, let it go, let him go, and try not to bump into him by staying away from the places you usually see him if you can avoid them.
  • If you’re hurting, don’t be in a rush to start dating again right away. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of a relationship and heal the hurts that it caused.
  • Don’t be afraid to spend some time crying, to admit it hurts, and even get mad and punch pillows or something that allows you to vent. But don’t dwell on it too long. Don’t keep bringing him up in conversation, listening to songs that were special to you, or looking over old pictures. You need to heal, and doing those things will only open the wounds again.
  • Don’t worry, you will feel better soon. It really is possible to find love again. Even if you never stop loving the man you had to break up with, you will have the opportunity to find happiness again. Remember you’re not going to find Mr Right when Mr Wrong is in the picture so you have done yourself a big favor and you’ll soon see that.

OVER TO YOU: Have you felt bad after breaking up with someone? How did things work out in the end? Please share in the comments below

23 Responses to “Why Does Breaking Up Feel So Bad When You Are The One To End It?”

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  1. Hayley Grotsky says:

    Yes I recently broke up with my boyfriend yesterday morning. I am feeling guilt. I really do care about him. I love him alot and I can’t get him out of my head. He is already out with another girl now. Idk if I can ever move on I miss him too much.

  2. Kellie says:

    I Broke up with my boyfriend today because I felt like he was controlling and always telling me what to do. But I still love him so much and I was so close to his family I can’t help but think what him and his family hate me. I feel so guilty and can’t stop crying x

    • Ana says:

      Hi Kellie I’m so sorry you’re feeling upset, but sounds as if you did the right thing if you want a partner who treats you as an equal. I’m sure you did not decide to break up lightly, so just give yourself time to adjust. You’ll feel better soon; it just doesn’t feel like it when you’re deep in grief. Ana x
      Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

  3. Reisha says:

    I broke up with him day before yesterday because he did not like me wearing certain clothes and talking to other guys. Now he says he has changed his thinking. He really loves me a lot but i dont want to be controlled. I cant stop crying and he still texts me. What do i do. Should i give him a second chance. He says he will die without me.

    • Ana says:

      Did you talk to him about his controlling behavior already and he didn’t stop? And therefore you ended it? Or did the breakup come out of the blue for him? If you already talked to him, I would be wary of getting back together, because he has already had a chance to mend his ways and didn’t. Saying that he will die without you is trying to control you, too. In my experience people don’t change their thinking that easily. But I don’t know him as well as you. How controlling was he? Did he actually stop you wearing what you wanted or talking to who you wanted? Is he slightly jealous and might get over it as he grows in confidence in himself and you? Could you help build up his confidence? Or does he go into a rage about stuff and nothing you say will placate him?
      Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

      • Reisha says:

        He gets angry easily. I had told him to stop controlling me and he did stop. He still texts me saying that he is waiting for me. What do i do? I m so confused about it.

      • Ana says:

        I would steer clear of anyone with anger issues because I don’t like a lot of aggro in my life. Do you like that? It’s not what he wants or what he is is waiting for. It’s up to you to decide what and who you want to be part of your life. Ana x
        Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

  4. Ester says:

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I have never felt this awful. It hurts so much to see him hurting. We were like the perfect couple, according to everyone. I’m still madly in love with him. He treated me very well and taught me to love myself. I hate myself for it but sometimes I was too hard on him and he didn’t deserve that at all. Despite all that, something was off. I thought we were a match in the beginning but later I realized we weren’t. And that is the only real reason I can come up with why I called it quits. We tried to make it work for the last fee months but I had this feeling something wasn’t right. He is my best friend and it hurts to let him go. I am grateful for what this relationship has taught me but I need to let go even though I’m regretting it right now.

    • Ana says:

      Hi Ester, sorry for the delay in replying – I have been away. It hurts so much when you break up with someone, I know. But it sounds like you know your own mind and you did the right thing. Maybe by hurting him you were hoping he would realize that you were not a match and he would take the difficult decision of breaking up for you. Don’t beat yourself up for that. You found the courage in the end. You’ve grown up with him and grown apart. That happens. It sucks but you will both get over this. And much better to break up now than to find out much later down the line that you were not right for each other. Give yourself a chance to get over him and then move on with your life. Enjoy it. I wish you all the best Ana x
      Ana recently posted…12 Ways to Beat Boredom in Your Relationship

  5. Chloe says:

    I just ended my long relationship with my boyfriend last night. I felt as if i was so focused on making our newly (2 months in) long distance relationship work after being short distance for a year and a half. Im only a senior in highschool and hes a freshman at westpoint. I barely got to speak to him, i had no clue when id see him next, i was always concerned he was with other people and was gonna leave me, and i always just worried about our relationship, even for a few weeks before he left for westpoint. I ended it and him and i are on good terms because we just want the best for each other and ive felt unhappy for a month or so now and i had thoughts each day that it was gonna end somehow, and i kept convincing myself it was okay that i didnt feel as fulfilled as i used to. All my friends have said i made the right choice and i feel like i made the right choice, but i also miss him because he had all the qualities and more that i want in my forever person, but i felt like i was stuck in a relationship that was meant for 20 something year olds, not a 17 year old. And i just didnt want to be in that type of relationship at such a young age, where these are the years that are supposed to be the best memories, and i felt like i wasnt gonna make the best memories when all i would do is worry about our relationship and everything revolved around it.

    • Ana says:

      Hi Chloe, I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, despite taking what you feel is the right action. You seem to have thought this through very well and in a very mature way without taking the decision lightly. You don’t give his reaction to the break up so I’m not sure how that went, but I’m assuming he took it okay. So you are both being mature about this. It was a good relationship, but the timing isn’t right for you to get together. The thing is, there is no one person who has all the right qualities for you – there are many – and the trick is to find one of the many partners who are right for you when the timing is also right. Seventeen is a great age to go out and experience the world, to date a lot and have fun and I’m sure you’ll meet the right one when you’re ready. Have the best time with your new freedom. Ana x
      Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

      • Chloe says:

        Thank you so very much. He also thought it was the right decision. I do feel better each minute and each hour, so thats good. That’s very good to hear and understand and it makes me happy to hear everything you said. Thank you for the great advice and clarity. Exactly my thoughts, i want to experience the world!! Thank you so much 🙂

      • Ana says:

        You’re welcome

        All the best

        Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

  6. Alexis says:

    I broke up with my fiancé of 10 years yesterday and I hurt so bad. I kept having this thought for 3 weeks that if I didn’t leave than I wouldn’t grow, I wouldn’t find myself, who I am. I didn’t grow up knowing what love was. So today even if I love someone so very deeply, as I do my fiancé, I don’t show it much. I didn’t give him the affection he so much deserves. He’s a good guy. He and I have an 8 year old daughter together so that makes it even harder bc I especially hate seeing her upset. And I don’t like being away from her and not being able to be with her every single day. I love them both so much. My heart is breaking. I wanted our relationship. I didn’t want to lose him. I have so much anxiety. I can’t stop thinking about whether I made the wrong decision or not. I can’t stop thinking about holidays when we aren’t all together or life without him. It hurts worse in the mornings and evenings. Bc that’s when we spent most of our time together. I literally feel like my heart is breaking.

    • Ana says:

      I’m sorry you feel so bad, Alexis. I just saw your message, so I hope things are going better now. What was it about your partner that made you feel as if you couldn’t grow? It’s just that I’ve changed a lot over the years I’ve been married – hubby is supportive about anything I do. When you have a child together, it’s important to give things a chance. Maybe the relationship needs to grow along with you. If you haven’t burned all bridges, please try some kind of counseling – it sounds from what you say (though I only know what you told me) that this can be fixed. Love from Ana x
      Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

  7. Rachel says:

    I broke up with my boyfriend less than a week ago and I am so consumed in guilt I can’t stand it. It was the longest relationship I’ve been in, which isn’t saying much, but still, it was long for me. He’s so kind and he doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but he is. The relationship was all wrong for me, I felt smothered, and I felt like I was finding excuses for not going out on nights that we usually would. I didn’t think we were compatible. I wish we were, but we aren’t and there’s nothing I can do about that. I’ve had this conversation in my head and even on paper several time now, but nothing eases my mind. Unfortunately, I work with him, which in itself was a huge mistake because I know we probably need distance but can’t find it when working together. I worry about him all the time. I’ve never seen a person so sad in my entire life, but I know I had to break up with him now rather than later down the road to spare him as much as possible. 🙁

    • Ana says:

      Of course you did the right thing, Rachel. You have to live your life for you, not just to avoid hurting a guy who is obviously wrong for you. If you don’t want to be with him now that is only going to get worse as years go by. Also, the longer you go on, the more hurt he will be. Give him a chance to get over it and you’ll both be fine. You did him a favor really because you had the courage to break up with him. It doesn’t mean you don’t have sympathy for someone you hurt. You’re human. I (and probably you) know how it feels to be on the receiving end of a broken heart, but a broken heart is really about the idea you had of what a relationship could have been if all things were ideal and not what it really was. All the best to you both love from Ana
      Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

  8. Abby says:

    Hello. I ended a relationship with someone I was in love with who I really feel was one of the great loves of my life. He was in the middle of separating ( or so he said ) but still went on vacation with his family. Oh and I found this out not from Social media not from him …. this was the second time he did this. And all he said was sorry. Through text. So I broke up with him through text and blocked him. I feel like he has been playing both of us. But here’s the other side. Now I feel bad because of how I did it and I’m thinking of all the good times we had and the plans we were making. I’m not reaching out to him and won’t. But neither is he. Just feeling very upset

    • Ana says:

      Oh yes, I’d be upset, too, but I think you had a lucky escape in the long run. He’s sounds like …he wasn’t leaving and was just stringing you along. He was lucky you only blocked him! The rat! Can you tell I’m angry on your behalf? He so isn’t worth grieving over. You deserve someone so much nicer and I hope you find him very soon. Love from Ana.
      Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

  9. রিয়া says:

    I broke up with my boyfriend today,, he is not just my type,his behaviors always upsets me, he is not the guy I want but I feel bad because he is a nice guy and he loves me, sometimes I fell like patching up with him but again his bad qualities crosses my mind hiand I change my decision, I am son confuse over him, also everyone will say that I am a bad girl because I broke up with him, I also feel terrible because I don’t want to be a girl that break’s someone heart, I just don’t know what to do

  10. Christina says:

    I broke up with my boyfriend 9 months ago and regretted it immediately that night, but it was too late. I never got a response from him. I broke up because he stopped telling me how he felt about me and I had told him that weeks before. He still couldn’t open up. He also put work before me and I told him this made me feel disconnected. Nothing changed and the stress of the pandemic made me break up. I loved him and still love him and we have met up six times since then. He says he is still attracted to me but doesn’t think we are compatible any longer because if I broke up with him once, I might do that again down the road. He does not want to give me another chance because he made up his mind. He says that other than that one day, he was happy with me.

    I feel so guilty because my one mistake has ruined everything. We have an incredible happy time when we are together, and that feeling is hard for me to find. We are compatible in so many other ways. I wish we could try again and make things even better.

    • Ana says:

      I’m sorry for the late response. I just dug this out of my swamped Inbox. How are things now with this guy? I would have said just carry on being friends and see how things go. If you are meant to be together, he will soon get the message. On the other hand, if he’s so stubborn in his views that he never changes, and never gives you a second chance, it might be best to move on and find someone who is more forgiving and more demonstrative as this is important to you. love from Ana x
      Ana recently posted…Should You Use Mobile Dating Apps?

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