You’re dating a new guy and all went so well on the first date that you’re going out with him again this week and you can’t wait to see him. Before you fall too far too fast, it’s time to start finding out a few more things about him.
It’s good to keep the first date fun and flirty, just to see if you click. You’ll naturally find out a few things about each other but not necessarily all you would like to know.
The second to third dates are about the right time to go into deeper discovery mode, though you need to make sure you both have a fun time on every date and not make it seem like a job interview or the Spanish Inquisition.
You’re going out with a guy to see if you like spending time with him, after all, not looking for a meal ticket for life. But if you’re looking for a long term partner, you do want someone with his act together and not a guy who’s got major boyfriend flaws.
Here are five things you need to find out and how to go about getting him to open up without seeming like you’re giving him a boyfriend assessment test.
His Attitude To His Exes
This may seem like an awkward topic to get into but it’s useful to find out his attitude to women twenty dates in when he’s no longer trying to impress.
You could subtly introduce this topic using flattery and a question like “You seem like a great guy. I’m wondering what kind of girl would let you get away.” Does he explain calmly why things went wrong without dissing the girl or does he use four-letter words to describe his ex? Be wary if it’s the latter. It shows immaturity in relationships and a lack of respect that does not auger well for the future.
How He Handles Money
You probably already found out whether he’s mean with cash by the way he offered to pay for coffee/drinks etc on the first date, but you also need to know if he lives above his means on credit cards without a thought for the future. Debts for student loans or mortgage are fine but you don’t want to link your financial future to someone who runs up huge debts because he can’t resist the latest man toy.
You can vaguely talk about the economy because that’s always in the news in one way or another, and then talk about your own attitude to debt with something like “I was so pleased when I lost my job last year, that I didn’t need to pay off a huge credit card bill. I’m not sure what I would have done. Have you ever been in that kind of situation?” If he admits he has consumer debts, find out whether he’s trying his best to clear them or is about to splurge on something else.
What His Job Means To Him
A stable job is an asset because it shows a guy to be responsible, but it may also mean that your guy is tied up in his work and you will never see him.
Ask him if he likes his job and what he’d like to change about it. If he’s ambitious and works unsociably long hours or wants to throw it all up and travel around Europe, you may as well know now, so you can see if his future lifestyle is going to mesh with how you see your ideal life in the future.
Whether He’s A Player Or A Stayer
You may have a good idea about this by whether he pressured you to stay over on the first date but that’s not always a great indicator. Some stayers will try anyway and some players are happy to wait until date number three or more if sex is going to be on the cards fairly soon. After all he may be playing several girls at the same time.
Tease him a bit with things like “I bet I’m the third girl you’ve dated/brought here this week” and watch for his reaction. If he’s looking for a girlfriend, he’s likely to protest. If he’s a player, he’ll probably be quite proud of his success with woman and tell you “actually it was four, but you’re the only one who counts!” If he’s as smooth as that, he’s a player!
Anything Else That’s Highly Important To You
If you have strong religious conviction, are mad about dogs and couldn’t live without one, or you know you could never have a long term relationship with a guy from the opposite end of the political spectrum, you may as well find out whether you’re a match before you decide you really like this guy. But only worry about finding out his views early on, if the issue is so important that you would turn down an otherwise lovely guy because of it.
All you have to do is talk about your own ideas and see how he reacts. You’ll soon find out if he is in tune with you on issues like these.
These five things won’t tell you everything about a guy’s character and personality–you will discover that over time, the more you see him under different situations, for example when he’s angry, stressed, jealous, upset and so on– but they are good for building up an initial picture of your date and letting you see whether to get deeper into the relationship.
Over to you: What do you think is essential to find out about your date early on in a relationship? What do you wish you had found out earlier about someone before you got involved? Please share in the comments below