In many long-term relationships, there will be a certain amount of jealousy especially at times when one partner is feeling particularly insecure or when there is cause for real suspicion about infidelity. This doesn’t happen in every relationship, thankfully, but it does occur.
There are also some cases where jealousy goes too far even when it seems to be unfounded. He’s possessive, jealous, and suspicious all the time. You can’t get a text or call without him questioning you. You start to have to give an account for every moment of your day, and he wants to know where you are at all times.
If you find that he’s become overly jealous, these tips could help you sort things out and see if your relationship can be saved.
Find Out Why
When jealousy seems over zealous, find out why he feels that way, and probe into his history a little bit.
Listen to what he’s saying when he’s not questioning you. Ask about his family and his childhood and also about his past relationships and how things ended. This might help you understand why he is the way he is.
It’s possible he has desertion issues which he hasn’t resolved yet. Maybe he’s had a history of women cheating or betraying him. Maybe he feels insecure in his relationship with you and feels he’s not worthy of you. There are many more underlying reasons and understanding why he’s jealous can be the first step to resolving the problem.
If his jealousy is extreme and he can’t explain it, it could be that he needs counseling. It’s important to seek professional help, especially if his jealousy is severe and you’re in a committed relationship where you want things to work out.
Talk About It
Don’t sweep his jealousy under the rug even though talking about it may not be an easy thing to do. Bring it up in a neutral setting, where neither of you feel threatened and at a time when you’re both able to have a discussion without interruption or stress.
Don’t do this right after he’s had a jealous episode, but rather when you’re both calm. Tell him how you feel and more than anything, reassure him of your love. If he knows you’re not judging him and threatening to walk out just yet, he’ll be more willing to talk to you.
Discuss what his fears are and reassure him that there’s no foundation to them. If you can have open communication in all areas, he’ll be more likely to believe that you’re telling the truth. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to prevent him feeling so jealous, but don’t give in to unreasonable requests.
Keep Him Involved
It will help if you let him know what you are up to and what is happening in the parts of your life that are separate from him.
If you see you’ll be doing a lot of extra hours at work or your schedule will be changed, tell him about it, so he’s less liable to jump to any conclusions about it.
Trust needs to be built and that is often best done through just being open about what’s going on.
Introduce him to your friends, invite him along when you practice your hobbies, sports, etc. Don’t give jealousy a chance to foster by being mysterious about what you do with your free time.
Don’t Make Him Jealous
If you have a boyfriend or husband who tends to be jealous, don’t try to make him jealous or behave in a way that could easily be misconstrued by anyone, never mind a jealous man.
Don’t flirt with other men in front of him and make sure he knows you only have eyes for him. Don’t even joke about getting hit on by other men or tell him if someone flirts with you. It might boost your confidence, but it will only undermine his.
If you’re going to be in a setting where you know he feels insecure, do all you can to make him feel comfortable. For example, if you’re going to a company party and he feels jealous of your co-workers, don’t wear your sexiest outfit, but instead something that will tell him that it’s just work for you.
Make the effort to dress and look your best when you’re with him so that he knows you make the same effort for him as you do when you go out with your friends.
There will come a time after you’ve done all you can to reassure him, when you just have to decide together on some boundaries. He does not need to read all your emails, be aware of every communication on your phone, and know where you are at all times.
He needs to understand at some point that he needs to overcome the jealousy and you catering to his every whim is not going to help him. Either he trusts you, or your relationship won’t survive.
Make sure he knows the ball is in his court. Put some rules in place that protect you from feeling like you have to explain yourself all the time, and if he doesn’t comply, think about getting out of the relationship. If the threat of losing you doesn’t make him change, nothing will.
Accept Or Move On
There will come a point when you will have to decide if you can accept the way he is and the amount of effort he’s putting into dealing with his jealous feelings or you want to leave him.
Is he trying to be less possessive and jealous or will you be able to keep up with the pacifying tactics in the long-term? Maybe he’s already made a lot of changes and you still can’t handle his jealous episodes.
If he really can’t give you breathing room and you find yourself spending a lot of time and energy trying to convince him that you’re faithful, is this the relationship you need in your life right now?
It is not real love or even healthy to be in a relationship where one partner is overly possessive and doesn’t allow you to be yourself. Look at the big picture and see if some time apart will help or if it’s time to break up entirely.
Over To You: Have you ever had a partner who was jealous all the time? Do you have any tips for others in the same situation? Please share in the comments below
We’ve definitely had jealously in our relationship but it was more during the time when we were in a long distance relationship. I feel like after marriage and a couple of kids, we trust each other a lot now, so it’s not really there anymore.
Salma recently posted…3 Things Thursday – Week 7
Thanks for sharing Salma. Separation does make things more difficult because you are naturally not so involved in each other’s lives and may wonder what is happening so far away.
Ana recently posted…Marriage Tip: Are You Doing Too Much?
There’s some good advice here – thank you for sharing!
Laurel Regan recently posted…Photo A Day Challenge – May 1-15, 2014
Ana recently posted…What He Wants You To Wear On A Date
Great advice. I think I was meant to read this right now.
Thanks Allison. I hope it helps.
Ana recently posted…Fabulous And Seductive
I’ve been very fortunate and never had this problem. You’ve got great advice for those who may have to deal with this. Nothing beats communication!
Tamsin recently posted…Persistence Pays
Thanks Tamsin. I agree, communication is key to getting on with everyone, not just jealous partners.
Ana recently posted…Marriage Tip: Are You Doing Too Much?
Hi, stopping by from the Facebook UBC group. This is excellent, compassionate advice!
I don’t have this problem in my marriage, but actually a slightly different issue. Old girlfriends of my husband’s seem to be showing up out of the blue on Facebook and wanting to be FRIENDS again (and not just in the Facebook way!) One even tried to convince him to have an affair! Fortunately for me, he has no interest in rekindling any old friendships, or more, with any of them!
K. Lee Banks recently posted…Pursuing Our Purpose-Part 1
Thanks for sharing Karen. That’s so creepy. I’m sure he was flattered but I hope he made it clear to them (as well as to you) that he wasn’t interested so that they don’t get in contact again. It would be good if he unfriended or blocked them because they are certainly no friend of the two of you as a couple but he might think that is too harsh. Unfortunately some women seem to find men more attractive when they are taken, and there is always the regret of the one that got away that makes people want to get in touch. Apparently 9 out of 10 people use Facebook to look up their exes but I don’t know the statistic for inviting them to have affairs!
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