If you feel that your guy doesn’t value you the way he should and that you’re putting much more into the relationship than he is, it seems you’re being taken for granted. There’s an imbalance there in that he always feels he can count on you to please him, but he’s not making an effort to keep you happy.
You have to address this because the situation won’t improve while he’s happily getting all his needs met.
You will just get more and more resentful, and it will put a strain on your relationship.
It’s no fun being taken for granted or playing the martyr. It’s time to redress the balance.
If you want your relationship to last, don’t start playing games with him. Ignoring him or trying to make a point by “giving him a taste of his own medicine” isn’t mature and won’t help him appreciate you. In many instances, your man won’t even be aware that he’s taking you for granted, and playing mind games won’t help you to get your point across.
Instead of playing games to get your own back, here’s a seven step plan you can follow to deal with the problem.
Value Yourself First
More often than not, he’s taking you for granted because you allowed him to. You might feel you have to somehow prove yourself in the relationship and by doing everything to make things work from the beginning, you’ve set a precedent that he’s taken as the norm. If he knows that you’ll drop everything and always be there at his beck and call, he won’t assume otherwise unless you tell him.
You need to look at how you see yourself before you try to change how he sees you. Work on your confidence and self-esteem so that you understand your own value, and you can then tackle the issue of him valuing you as well.
Decide What Changes You Would Like To See
Think about what would make you happy. A vague “I want him not to take me for granted any more” is probably not going to help much.
What specific things do you want him to do differently? Unless you understand this, neither will he. For example “I’d like to get to choose the movie/restaurant every other time” and “I’d like him to call when he’s going to be late” are specific things he can change about his behavior.
Talk It Out
Telling him straight out that you feel he’s taking you for granted is usually the best course of action. Choose a neutral time. Don’t bring it up when he’s suggesting something once again that means you’ll have to make a sacrifice of some kind. If you do, he’ll usually take it to mean you’re just talking about that one time.
Tell him what he can do to make things better for you and which specific changes would make you happy.
Once you put the issue on the table, don’t expect that he’ll automatically change or that everything will be just fine and dandy. Agree that the next time you feel taken for granted, you’ll let him know!
Stay Clear And Firm
Don’t drop your guard once you’ve talked about the problem. If you feel he’s taking you for granted again, let him know. Stick to your guns and make sure you see the changes you want.
Say No Sometimes
There’s no need to be mean about it, but feel free to say no to anything he asks if you really don’t want to do something or it’s not convenient. He’ll respect you more than if your drop everything for him or do something you hate just because he wants you to.
Take Some Time For You
Show that you have a full life of your own. Make sure that you organize outings with girlfriends and family and time to do those things you like to do alone too. Don’t wrap your whole life around him and his needs.
If Things Don’t Improve
Chances are once you start sticking up for yourself, he’ll both admire and respect you more over time and it will be a turning point in your relationship. If he’s just stringing you along though, and you’re only his girlfriend until someone better comes along, he may not care that there’s an imbalance in your relationship, and he won’t bother to change his ways.
In that case, if he constantly takes you for granted, give him his marching orders. You don’t need a guy in your life who does not care for you. Leave room for someone who will cherish you and deserve you.
Of course, it’s best if you can prevent this whole taking-for-granted scenario from happening in the first place. If you’re still in the early stages of dating, make changes now before unhelpful patterns develop.
If you don’t want to be taken for granted, don’t be ready and available all the time. Let him know when your plans conflict. Suggest movies and restaurants that you like, and make sure your choices are taken into account at least half the time. Don’t feel like you always have to be the giver, and only give him the level of attention that he gives you.
If you don’t allow him to take you for granted from the beginning, you won’t have to worry about setting him straight later on!
Over to you: Have you ever felt that you were being taken for granted? What did you do about it? Please share in the comments below.
It is so smart that you put #2 and #3 right next to each other. Lots of guys don’t have a clue that they don’t value the gals in their lives. By being specific about certain types of behavior you want to see, and stating that clearly, you can help your guy a lot in this area … which can only add to your happiness as well.
Yes, I really think a lot of guys ARE oblivious. They just don’t think about it if you let them get away with it. Their life is good. Their partner is happy (or so they think). I’m a big fan of spelling everything out. Thanks for your comment Kathy.
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This post is really good and I agree with all the points and advise you have shared.
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Thanks Nayna.
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Yes Ana, it definitely takes a firm resolution on your part to confront a person who is taking you for granted.But its well worth it than feeling crappy about it all the time!
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Thanks Vinodini. I agree it is always better to speak out if something is bothering you otherwise it often just explodes out of you some time later.
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Please Ana am dating a guy who is heading a local church around my area a friend of mine invited me to that church, when I went to the church this Yong pastor really helped me in my Christian life Now I have become a full member and a Sunday school, I do everything possible within my power to make this guy happy and God’s work but now hmm this guy has taken me for granted, he doesn’t even have time for me and does something wrong you want to talk about he tell me I should not be joking with the anointing or else I will lose its value, I shouldn’t be taking to him as if he is my college .please I need advice thank you
Hi I’m not clear – are you dating this guy? What do you mean by dating? Ana x
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I\’m dating a guy with a ten years age difference to me, and although we spent three years together, he still seems to see me as a child. Now that he\’s got a job, he NEVER meets up with me anymore or contact me. Everytime I DO contact him, he won\’t answer, and when we DO meet up, he always seems to be irritated at me. All he ever says when we argue is \”You don\’t understand\” or \”I didn\’t expect you to be so childish\” and that hurts me, I feel like I\’m the only one who\’s making an effort in this relationship. And no, I have no plans to break up with him, we have big plans for the future. What should I do????
He may be busy with his new job but that’s no excuse for neglect of someone you love. He may not realize how much he is hurting you, or he may be trying to break up with you but is too much of a coward to actually tell you and he is treating you so badly so that you are forced to break up with him. You may have big plans, but are you sure he still shares your idea of the future? It’s time for a heart to heart with him about what his expectations are. It’s better to know the truth one way or the other than to let yourself invest more time in a relationship where you are being treated so badly. I would not put up with that crap and nor should you or anyone else. You are worth so much more.
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Im 25 im seeing this man his a baby daddy but doesnt stay wth the mother of his child .i need your help if i should continue seeing him,wev been seeing each other for the past four month and last month he gave me $150 to pay my rentals .i thot we had a relationship but what he does when he comes to see me ,we dont talk he just askes whats agent in your house so that he buys and aftr that he takes off his clothes and we hve sex.and after having sex he leaves and he wont call nor texts but only when he want to come to my house thats when he calls .what should i do .im a baby mama as well i need him but i want a relationship out it.im confused
Obviously I’m not a fly on the wall to see everything going on in your relationship but from what you have written here I would say he is clearly using you for sex. A relationship means going out, having fun together, talking, getting to know each other, give and take, doing things for each other that show caring and consideration. I don’t hear anything like that happening here. Do you really need a man who only wants sex and then only on his terms? Helping with rent is not caring. Caring is being there for you. I think you know in your heart he’s not for you. You deserve much better Shylet. Give yourself a chance to find a guy who really loves you. Love from Ana x
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Hey! An extremely useful post! It gives me the opportunity to re-think my self values.
I need some advice in my relationship: I’m dating this boy, we are in a long-distance relationship, and a month back, we used to talk almost everyday for an hour or so, for almost a month. Then from last month, his school commenced and he started to say he was busy with his school. I understand he goes to a lot of tuition and he has so much work, but during the week-ends, he could call me, right? So, we don’t text during weekdays and then once it’s Saturday, I initiate the conversation and ask him if he’s free this week-end, he usually used to reply with a “I don’t know, let’s see, but I can’t talk now, sorry bye”. (A side note: Whenever I initiate the conversations, I use a kiss-emoji or a heart, and even he used to send me those often before but now when I use them, he doesn’t and it ends up being I’m the only romantic one.) S0, every week-end, I text him and that’s the reply he gives all the time…until this one week-end where I seemed angry to him so he called me up and we were talking very well just like we used to do before. We talked for like 2 hours. After that, the last last Sat/Sun, I texted him, he saw my message and ignored me (didn’t reply), then last week-end I did the same and he did the same too. This is why I feel he’s taking me for granted. Maybe he thinks that “Okay, she seems angry but just like last time, I’ll say sorry sorry sorry to her and she’ll be convinced”. Maybe he thinks that I’m like an “easy target”. But I 100% know he would never do something like that purposefully, in the sense of having the intention to hurt me, so maybe like you said, he’s not aware that he’s taking my love, kindness and care a little bit for granted. I decided to go straightforward about it and tell him that I feel this way. But I don’t want to seem rude like telling him it’s fault but at the same time, I feel if I try to soften the blow, it may give the impression I still have some wiggle room and I don’t think I have. So, how should I talk with him about this and how will I end the conversation and start talking like normal? I really seek your advice Ana, please reply to me asap. Thank You very much! -Henrietta
*also, this week-end, should I text him first and just tell him I need to talk to you about something important?
Yes Ana x
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Long-distance is very difficult to maintain. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder and sometimes it just makes us forget how good things can be. I’m sorry but it sounds like your boyfriend has gone off the boil. If he was in love with you, he would not be avoiding texting you (no matter how busy) and he would call more often. That is not to say he doesn’t still like you. You could still have fun and the relationship might develop into something more if he lived around the corner. But it doesn’t seem strong enough to maintain the relationship over a long distance. It sucks, I know. I don’t know either of you so I’m only guessing but that is how it seems from what you say. If this was my relationship, I would not want to be left hanging feeling like I was neither attached or free to meet someone else. But first I would clarify what the situation is with a serious talk. Because this doesn’t seem like he is taking you for granted. It seems like he is forgetting he has a girlfriend at all. Ask him to be honest with you so that you can end things amicably (if that’s the way things go) and you can agree that the distance sucks but call it a day. A lot of guys don’t have the courage to end things and wait for us to get the message by treating us badly. If you love him, I hope I’m wrong about this but there’s only one way to find out. Good luck Ana x
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