If you have taken the “23 Things not to say to Your Man” on board, your task is not yet over. Here are another ten things not to say – specifically those things you should not say to any guy (at any stage) between the sheets, if you want your relationship to thrive.
I can’t think of a single good reason to say this in bed. It means all kinds of things in your guy’s mind and none of them good. Things like:-
- I’m bored with this and can’t wait for you to finish
- I’m just putting up with this, because we’re in a relationship/married and you expect it
- I’m not in tune with you enough to know when you are reaching a peak
- I don’t care about your satisfaction or how you feel
- I’ve been compiling my list for the grocery store, while you were tuned into me
If you ever feel like saying something like that (never mind actually saying it), it’s time to put a bit of spark back into your love life or rethink your relationship, because that’s no way to spend the rest of your life with your man in bed.
And if you’re only saying it because you know your favorite TV show is coming on, button your lip anyway. You can watch a recording – what you don’t want is him replaying over and over the hurt he’ll feel when that phrase slips out.
It’s true (mostly). Size is only an issue if he’s too big and causes you pain, or he’s so small you can’t feel him when he enters you. (All the pleasure zones are near the entrance to the vagina so he should be able to satisfy you even if not well endowed.)
The only trouble is, the size thing suddenly became an issue when you mentioned it. You think you’re being reassuring but the sub-text is that you think he should be worried about his size.
Because of the way porn stars are selected for the unusually large size of their equipment, he may already have an inferiority complex, if he has seen any porn at all (and it would be hard to find a guy who hasn’t these days). So if you want to be kind, don’t bring up anything to do with size.
No guy wants to be called cute and he definitely doesn’t want his manhood described in those terms. You may as well call it pretty and small and really emasculate him.
Ok, it was over a bit too quickly for you. No need to point that out. Show him the way to satisfy you manually so he keeps his side of the bargain. Mentioning the problem will cause performance anxiety and mean it’s likely to be over even more quickly next time. If this is a recurring theme, then it’s worth a discussion about solutions, but only then.
No guy wants to be compared with another, ever, and especially not in bed. A simple “I’d love it if you would…” should do the trick. He doesn’t need to know where you learned you liked a particular move.
While some guys know all the tricks, others are not so experienced. If he has never made you come that should be pretty obvious to him and he may be equally frustrated by his lack of ability to satisfy you. If you’ve been faking it, then it’s pretty much your fault that he hasn’t lived up to expectations. (See Why You Should Never Fake) You have never shown him how – in fact you’ve been demonstrating time and time again exactly how not to do it by pretending that he was hitting the mark.
In either case, the solution is to show him how. Again, “I’d love it if you would…” is a good phrase to use, and then direct him with words and sounds as he goes about it. If you’ve never had an orgasm, you may need to learn to give yourself that pleasure first. If you don’t know how to do that for yourself, how on earth can he? Guys are not mind readers so don’t lay that kind of accusation on him – just set about fixing it.
If he doesn’t get the message, despite all your attempts to show him the way, you may want to talk to him about this, rather than suffer ongoing frustration, but broach it gently as something you work on together, not as something that is his fault.
There’s danger lurking in those little toys, fun though they are. They have more staying power than your guy and many more oscillations a minute than a human can ever hope to achieve. But remember if you end up alone with your toy because of your unkindness in the bedroom, vibrators can’t give you hugs and kisses or back rubs.
Use toys together with your guy or alone as an exciting extra, but make sure that you practice getting to orgasm most of the time without your little battery operated friend – so you continue to enjoy those hugs and kisses with your man.
OK, I get it, there are some things your guy might suggest that you don’t want to do, and it’s perfectly OK to say “No” to anything. No one is saying that you should feel obliged to try things that turn your stomach. But do have an open mind about the odd experiment, as long as it is not something that is truly perverted and morally wrong. You often won’t know how you feel about something until you try it.
But if you really don’t want to, saying that you don’t think you would like that or that you don’t think you would be turned on by something is far better that implying that you think your guy is some kind of weirdo for bringing it up. He might never ask you to try anything new again – and you miss out on something that would be a real turn on – something that would prevent your sex life getting stale and boring in the future.
If you’re not sure whether you want to try something, say that too – and then find out more before you decide.
If your man is coming onto you in bed, but you’re so tired, you can’t wait to sleep, don’t reject him outright and bat away his hands. No one likes rejection. Kiss him and say something like “Listen. Can we take a rain check. I’m tired out. I don’t think I would be much of a lover tonight? How about we make some time…” and set a time when sex IS on the cards, so he has something to look forward to.
If you never have time for him, then you have to make time, if you want your relationship to succeed – see Make Time For Sex
If you’re with a newish partner, then he’s going to feel trapped by that question. Sex and love are not tied up in his mind. He may love you, he may not. He may feel pressured into saying he loves you, because you asked. Do you want to be lied to? You simply won’t know the truth, whichever way he answers, if you ask this in bed.
If your guy has already said he loves you, whether or not you’re in a long term relationship, asking just makes you seem insecure and needy. And neediness is not attractive. Let him declare his love when he wants and not in answer to a question when you have him over a barrel.
OVER TO YOU: Do you agree with these? Any men reading – are there others that would be in your top ten? PLEASE SHARE IN THE COMMENTS BELOW
First, love your website!
Second, I agree with all of these! As far as the orgasm thing goes, I think we all want to send a message when we are not being pleasured (I mean really, we NEED some pleasure!) But there really is a nice way to do it. I admit that I have complained about the ‘no orgasm’ in the past, and this only stressed him and me out more…it did not help. I found that learning how to give myself one and then directing my man into the right spots was the best route to take.
Looking forward to reading more!
Bellaisa recently posted…Philosophers Notes Review: Can You Really Read One Book Per Day?
Thanks for the compliment Bellaisa and also for sharing your experience. I’m not sure how it comes naturally to some guys and not others – maybe some of them just have a lot more practice when they are younger 🙂
Good to be over at your blog too 🙂
I liked your list of things to avoid saying to your guy in bed, and I think they are all spot on. I think when the two of you are together, you need to value and treasure those moments of togetherness and just bond with each other, leaving all other things and thoughts at bay.
Anything that hurts your partner should be avoided, as it would affect your moment of pleasure and relationship further. Just ‘be’ in the moment and enjoy it.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice day 🙂
Harleena Singh recently posted…Rekindle Love in Marriage in 10 Practical Ways
Thanks Harleena – I think “anything that hurts your partner should be avoided” is the main thing, as you say. We just need to engage our brains, before we open our mouths but human beings seem to be good at NOT doing that from the number of hurt people around.
I’m not supposed to ask if he’s “done”? Dang! I messed up…lol. Just kidding. These are good tips that should be shared with the masses. You could save lives with these tips. I know that if someone said, “my ex used to…” while in the act with her man she’d be done for.
Andrea recently posted…Parenting Chronicles: To Spank or Not to Spank?
LOL Andrea – yes, some guys could get a little upset with these…
I got a good chuckle out of this. Glad I picked up these “don’ts” over the years…
D. A. Wolf recently posted…Not the Marrying Kind
Experience is such a good teacher over time – I hope this helps short circuit the process for some (and that guys are reading an equivalent article somewhere…)