Do you attract Mr Wrong like a magnet?
If you have a pattern of falling in love with Mr Wrong, it’s probably not that you are unlucky and are just meeting the wrong guys.
The problem may be that you are psychologically primed to pick up the signals that those guys are sending out. You are simply more attracted to them than the others.
You’re probably not even aware of these signals. The whole attraction thing takes place in your subconscious, where you don’t even think about whether a guy might be bad news.
But what attracts us to Mr Moody, Mr Wrong and Mr Downright Dangerous To Know?
As well as good looks, status and less superficial things that draw us in, we are also automatically attracted to those people, who trigger familiar feelings in us.
It seems that this whole thing may hark back to your childhood, and how much you felt loved and valued, especially by your parents – your father in particular.
For example, if your father was distant, did not demonstrate love easily, or was absent during your formative years (especially up to the age of 8 years old), you’re likely to be attracted to guys who are distant, unavailable and cool with you in the hope that you can get such a guy to finally love you.
The problem is that, by their very nature, these guys don’t show love easily – that’s why you’re attracted to them. The whole pattern is familiar – trying to get love from a guy who doesn’t show it.
There’s no need to panic, if you think this might be an issue with your relationships, because you CAN change this destructive pattern.
You just need to be aware of your tendency to choose badly, so you can change it.
How To Recognize And Fix An Unhealthy Pattern In Your Relationships
Look At The Past
Look at all the relationships you have had, and think about whether the guys had the same type of issues. Though the characteristics you’re attracted to may show up in a different way with each relationship, the guys may have had the same basic inability to love you, in the way you want to be loved.
For example, one guy might have been completely tied up in his career, so he had little time for you, and considered his job much more important than your feelings. Another might have been simply wrapped up in himself. Yet another might have been married, and using you for sex, without any intention of leaving his wife.
Look At The Present
If you’re in a relationship, is your guy treating you right? Do you know you deserve better than this, yet you can’t help loving him?
If you’re just at the dating stage, which guys are you currently attracted to? Are they the ones who appear cool and unobtainable, rather than friendly and into you?
Do you always think “this time will be different” and it never is? If so, you have an unhelpful pattern going on.
Identify The Problem
Across all the relationships you’ve looked at, identify the common characteristics of your Mr Wrongs. You will tend to get together with the type of person you have been subconsciously seeking. It’s not a coincidence, if these guys have characteristics in common.
Think About What You Really Want
To prevent your subconscious getting the better of you, you have to know what you really want. So make a list of how you want your ideal partner to treat you. For example, he would look after you when you’re ill, support you when you’re upset, consider you in his plans etc. And include on your list the type of personality traits a guy who treats you right would have. For instance, he’d be open, friendly, kind, considerate etc
Use Your List
Of course you actually want to like the look of the guys you go out with. That’s a given. But if you have been going after Mr Wrong, it’s not all about looks is it? It’s about that extra quality of coolness, aloofness, arrogance, or whatever, that draws you in.
Start to weigh up the true attractiveness of a guy you’re dating based on your list – don’t use your subconscious as it is not serving you well. Give yourself a chance to get to know those guys who show themselves to have the right qualities. And give those guys you’re instantly attracted to, but who show themselves to be far from the ideal, a wide berth.
This will be tricky at first but it’s the only way to allow a Mr Right into your life, and banish the Mr Wrongs.
And, if you’re currently weighing up whether your current guy is right for you, use your list to see how he matches up.
Though no one is perfect, Mr Right will have many more of the qualities from your “want to see” list and no strong evidence of the common characteristics of your Mr Wrongs.
Boost Your Self Esteem
In many cases, the patterns set in childhood that cause women to be attracted to Mr Wrong are issues related to low self esteem – a feeling of not being loved, accepted or good enough. So, along with your awareness of choosing the right guys for the right reasons, it’s vital to work on your self esteem to provide a two pronged attack on the problem.
Over to you: Have you ever been in a pattern of falling for Mr wrong over and over again (or are you still in that pattern?) Please share in the comments below
What a great article for anyone who is dating. I’ve had friends who always seem to go with the wrong guy and yes they have self esteem issues. Fortunately I found my mister right 35 years ago.
Toni Nelson recently posted…Photo Sharing App for your Iphone
Self esteem seems to make the difference in so many ways. If women need to learn anything, it’s how to value themselves.
Thirty five years of Mr Right – wonderful! Congratulations Toni 🙂 (I think he values you too!)
Ana recently posted…Love Is Not Just Something You Say…
FWIW, I wouldn’t be to quick to assume that this is a problem unique to women.
northierthanthou recently posted…Paul Newman IS Homo Economicus: A Spoiler-Filled Review of Hud.
Most problems affect people of all kinds to one extent or another. My blog posts are chiefly written for women, so I’ll always take their point of view. Thanks for offering a male perspective anyway. We have to learn to see the whole picture.
Ana recently posted…13 Signs a Long-distance Relationship Will Work