I read something on Twitter recently that must have stuck in my mind. (Unfortunately I lost the reference, so if it’s you who said it, please let me know and I’ll link to your twitter account).
The post said something like “There are three types of marriage: Connecting, Coasting or Crisis”.
I think that’s a good way of describing the various states of a long-term relationship. If you’re currently in a relationship, do you know what state yours is in?
You will know about it, for sure, if you are in crisis, with all the accompanying conflict and unhappiness that entails. Perhaps there’s some trauma to deal with such as addiction or infidelity, or perhaps you’ve grown apart to such an extent that you feel your relationship can’t go on as it is.
At least if you have a crisis, you know you have something that you have to deal with, and chances are, you can think of little else. You might go and see a therapist for help or try to battle it out at home until things are resolved one way or another.
But crisis is not the most dangerous state for your relationship to be in, especially if you are getting help for your problems, you are aware of what is happening, and you’re taking steps to do something about it.
The most dangerous state for any long-term relationship is actually coasting, because that is where the whole foundation of your life can crumble away to nothing without you even knowing anything is wrong.
And any relationship where you are not in crisis and are not truly connecting is coasting. There’s a lot of that about.
Connecting means getting on like a house on fire, actively enjoying being with someone, and thanking your lucky stars that you are in the relationship. It means talking about everything under the sun, being open and able to be fully yourself with someone. It means being together on all kinds of levels (mind, body and spirit) and taking obvious pleasure in that.
You may be perfectly content coasting. But coasting is the same as taking your relationship for granted. You’re happy you’re together but you don’t really appreciate what you have. You don’t give your partner or your relationship enough attention or enough love and so it grows stale. It means you’re not truly intimate or close enough. Sex is routine rather than exciting, or you hardly get together at all.
Bad things happen in that coasting space. Couples fall out of love. Or one of them does, while the other doesn’t know what hit them when their partner of many years standing (or even just two or three) declares that they met someone else – someone who appreciates them, values them, is close to them and has all the attraction of someone exciting and new.
The antidote is being actively loving and appreciative, being open and honest and vulnerable. It means making an effort to work on your relationship and not just being in it by default. There are many articles here on the blog to help. Take a look at How To Bring The Spark Back Into A Relationship series to start with but there are many others if you surf around the site.
Note from Ana: We have never had a big crisis, but we have definitely had periods of coasting in our long marriage – those years weighed down by full-time work and childcare and not enough sleep. It was more luck than good judgment that things worked out from that relationship danger. I think we were both so exhausted, we were content to coast! But I’m much happier these days and I’m sure hubby is too. I hope this stage of connecting lasts forever!
Over to you: Do you recognize one of those states in your current relationship or relationships you have had? Please share in the comments below.
Great advice, Ana! I think these three categories not only apply to relationships, but also to trying to achieve our goals, . . . when we first start we are connecting, then we fall into a routine and start to coast, then we stop paying attention to the steps that made us successful – and crisis hits! When working towards goal achievement, I believe your tip of “making an effort . . . and not by default” is the key. Schedule periodic times to evaluate your success, action steps, and vision. Love this post . . . it may have inspired one for me!
Lisa Mallis recently posted…AWE Inspired – Great Places
Ah Lisa, I didn’t think about it applying to any goal but you’re right, it could! Let me know if you write that post, I’d love to read it.
Ana recently posted…22 Ways To Show Your Husband You Love Him (That He Will Get)
Sometimes you need to coast even though you are connected. I’m not sure I like crisis. Burns you up too much!
Lily Leung recently posted…THE MIST – Friday Fictioneers
Thanks for your comment, Lily. Coasting was what I needed through the years with young kids because of lack of energy for anything else but it was still dangerous 🙂
Ana recently posted…When Should You Take Down Your Online Dating Profile?
My husband and I covered all three in this order – connecting, coasting, crisis – then the divorce. I could see it coming, but couldn’t put a stop to it. That was many years ago, and I still feel like we could have made it if we had only gotten help. Hopefully, the people who need this information will see your excellent post.
Edie Dykeman recently posted…Fun Ways to Get Your Child Walking This Spring
Thank you for sharing Edie. I think the three stages often happen in that order.
Ana recently posted…And Another Three Things…
Hmm, we’re not in crisis but I do think we shift from time to time between coasting and connecting. This time in our life with young children, working etc.. it’s hard, but you’re right, it’s important to make that effort.
Salma recently posted…Frozen Yogurt Drops
Thanks for sharing Salma. Awareness is half the battle when you’re going through the coasting stage. That way you can be alert to any danger signs and get back to connecting before anything hits crisis point 🙂
Ana recently posted…Are You Giving Your Relationship Enough Time And Attention?
I think at some point, I’ve been in all 3 stages with my husband. If you ask him, he’d probably say it’s what keeps us interesting. lol I do like our “connecting” time most though.
Misty Spears recently posted…Will Eating Hemp Seeds Cause Me to Fail a Drug Test?
A few rows are definitely good to keep things exciting and passionate, but I hope you don’t have many (any?) real crises. Thanks for sharing Misty.
Ana recently posted…Quick Relationship Tip: Get Enough Sleep
Nah nothing to serious or to often…just normal stuff that drives all women nuts…you know like the toilet seat crisis. In all seriousness we’ve had minor crisis’s but I feel like we’re strong enough to make it through anything.
Misty Spears recently posted…Will Eating Hemp Seeds Cause Me to Fail a Drug Test?
That’s good Misty – and I know what you mean about toilet seats. With the all-guy family I have here, I definitely lost that battle!
Ana recently posted…When He Doesn’t Support Your Diet